I don't know, I always think, regarding everything professional related maybe my parents' lack of support and false advice weren't entirely their fault, maybe more than everything it's the differences between generations, technology, and etc. but when it comes to social aspects of my life, it's unbelievable how blind I was to how deprived of guidance I have been by having lived and grown up in such household.
There is no label to describe the life-ruining impacts of Sedighe on my life; But to mention an aspect of it, for example, in her opinion: "I'm her slave, and if I'm handed away to another woman, she'll be my slave-master; So the sole rescue for her in maintaining her property is to make sure that the girl I'm in love with wouldn't mind taking orders from her," which is a pretty bullshit way of looking at the world. But some individuals never develop more advanced psychological forms of attachment than that of three-year-olds. Their only mode of attachment is obviously: ownership. Which isn't really attachment, it's a just a faint fiction of attachment. But that's how she is and I was endlessly stupid, endlessly stupid to hope to figure out the good in the someone I hate. In reality, I think the only good, is that such individuals may indeed one day develop more advance mods of attachment, but until such day there is no good to be found in telling yourself that they love you, because it is just not going to be there. So, I don't want to go into her fucked up opinions.
The interactions with Hassan has been far more entertaining. For example, he would refer to Aline with laughter or grinning while saying something in along the lines that "the woman who fooled you". If he was a 12-year-old friend of mine and I had told him that I want to become a man overnight and my plan for doing so is to visit this woman that every other man in town goes to her flat and when I had gone there, she had stolen my money without taking my virginity and he would be laughing at me whenever the topic pops out, yeah, it's fair. He's a child, I'm a child, and we don't know what we are talking about. But once you're an adult laughing at your son that "he got fooled" without even remotest idea about what had happened, isn't really parenthood, it's just a sick sitcom. Watching a sitcom if you're depressed, or got fired, or whatever trouble that you want to escape from without going for heroin, alcohol, prostitute or etc., I mean, that's not as terrible. But a sitcom is only good if you binge watch it with a lot of ice-cream over a week or a few weeks when you have taken a break from living your life. If it becomes how you live your life, it's just pathetic.
I finally found the courage to speak a little about Aline with them, or better said, send a link to a text that was published somewhere on my website, partly responding to some of their nonsensical presumptions, but ever since the conversations with my father have taken a more interesting turn: "so, tell me what's your plan?" That's amazing. I don't know how he thinks a son whom he has neglected all milestones of romantic development in his life is so mature and so experienced that he is going to have an exact plan for "how to find himself in a romantic relationship!" And the moment I have no response to his request, he is disappointed or takes the argument that "you see, you don't even have a plan!" The truth is, if I have had a plan, I wouldn't be waiting for him to ask me about it, I rather share with him. It's like we are on separate enemy lines where you can't share plans with each other.
But as I was young and it was my first experience, those laughters and grinning left their marks on me. You know, like I can't even imagine myself trying to have a life if someone has rejected me because I would feel like Hassan is there and laughing to me. Not that he is physically there, but in my head, there is this vision of his forever holding that experience above my head.
When you have internal barriers like these, and then one of your most intimate noble causes in life is to "love selflessly" of course, the result is that you get stuck without even taking the slightest action.
Though I'm not married, and Steve Horsmon's Youtube short takes are aimed at his fellow married men in America whose wife wants a divorce, or are about to want it, or have already actualized that desire, still his words fill the gap of never having had a father that you could go to and knowing that he has some ideas about your situation, or that maybe some of his words might be of benefit to you. It's funny how easily parents can cripple their children's ability to navigate ordinary yet existential life-skills.
While parents respond to their toddlers' failures with a smile because toddlers are generally too cute, later in life negative experiences of a child greeted with laughter ain’t going to benefit anyone. In every mistake, there are lessons to be learned and being laughed at only increases the emotional burden of reflecting on one’s mistakes.
Guardians who take no time to support you recover from a defeat and improve root causes of your mistakes perhaps should be questioned regarding their position of guardianship. Though everyone needs parents, in reality, not every parent does live up to necessities of parenthood. And while children typically blame themselves for not deserving better quality parenting, as an adult sometimes the conclusion that maybe your parents were never ready to be parents could be closer to the truth.
Published: Mon, May 13, 2019 12:00 AM