Penumbra Penumbra

You can only continue things from where you left them last time ...

1 year ago |

Finally, I met my sister. And it has been so long that I don't remember after how many years: perhaps three or four years.

And finally, I had someone to tell "my life is fucked" without fearing ...

Yeah, without worrying about her reaction; Because most of the times, if I would tell the same to a male friend of mine in my environment, the immediate implication is that I'm dissatisfied with my condition and so should be he, or worse, if I would tell a female friend the same statement, it will be interpreted as a request from her to sleep with me, so I can feel better.

Sure, there are exceptions, and sure I don't need to tell it all at once. So, for example, instead of saying "fucked," I can just focus on one or the other aspect of my life that I feel fucked about; for example, once I told a male friend of mine, whom I felt comfortable to talk about my feelings with, that sometimes when I see little children on the street, I wished I had a child my self too, and his response after some inquiry to make sure I am earnest, was that I should date a woman who has already have a child. I mean, it is a great idea, only that if one really tries to realize it, then it doesn't make sense to marry a woman who has a child with another man. You can't ignore that child, and even if you aren't the biological father, one way or the other you are going to be emotionally invested and she is going to be emotionally invested and so on; and for a marriage to work, two people ought to not treat each other unfairly, and for a single man the emotional- and time-cost of caring for another man's baby is not really something you can just pretend don't count. Of course, there are exceptions, for example: if the woman feels like your soulmate, or she is extremely poor, or for whatever reason vulnerable, then maybe such costs are justified, otherwise it will be a relationship that is going to be forever out of balance; because what can that woman do to be a compensation for her being unavailable for another man's child and for you spending your time and emotional resources on her child?

Other times, it isn't me who need to talk to others for them to sense that I ought to be unhappy, the simple question regarding whether I'm dating someone or have a girlfriend and my answer that I never did, is enough to make men who are older and wiser to think, I should be very unhappy and disappointed because this is my life. Once a friend who was rich and old enough suggested to arrange a "lecture" for me with a woman he knows is good in teaching men how sex works and I couldn't tell him that I was raped and going in bed with a prostitute is so close to that experience that I don't want, I rather not do it, even though in his opinion it is too strange that a boy my age has never been in bed with a woman ...

And of course, there are friends who think they need to set you up with a particular woman, or take care that you go out more often, or suggest you ask this or that woman out, but it isn't that I didn't meet or interact with enough women of my age, perhaps not these two or three previous years but priorly, as I wasn't so consumed with figuring out my internal life, I was: my daily routine wasn't empty of interactions with women of more or less my age. Nowadays, I understand where my internal mistrust in that suggestion come from. To my life, being positively erotically interested in a woman has been so rare, so very rare. Just to understand, here is the issue: "As a woman who lost my virginity at the judgably late age of 21, the script really spoke to me." These are words of Jennette McCurdy; and that's the issue. You know, to me being erotically interested, I mean, just interested in a woman with positive emotions is really rare in my life and then you have women of my age that the number of men they have been in bed with is multiple times the number of women I have seen in underwear [in person, not on the screen]. To such person, even if we have sex it will be nothing more than something similar to those other men, and I'm not that special a person to her life, but for me, even just to hug her with our clothes on because of pure erotic motivation would make her a once a lifetime individual to my life. What kind of relationship would that be? I'm just one of many men in her life, but she is the only woman to mine. And by the way, the "number of women I saw in underwear" is hypothetical, cuz actually I don't really remember if I did or did not, because I was in puberty and it was out of pure curiosity because I had heard other boys talking about women's body, things I couldn't understand what they meant, and used words I had never heard, so, I was so interested in figuring it out, but it is so long ago that I can't recall if me hiding there did I spot what I was after or not ...

And sure, the same can be said about women ... of course, usually the discussion wasn't about how many people we have slept with, but about why I look so sad at a moment when my act of expressing interest to another woman ended in rejection and ... and with women it is more complicated than men, so let's just skip it.

And sure, there are older people who have supported me financially or however else, whom I could tell them about why I feel fucked without running the risk of such reactions but then the problem is such people are in some way invested in me and my success, and the statement that "my life is fucked," would rather be an indicator that they have made a mistake with investing in me; at least, my parents have acted so, more often than not, that it has become oblivious whether I tell them I'm really unsatisfied with how my life stands today with an eye for their support of me to make a fundamental change.

But about my sister, none of these concerns exists, and I had almost forgotten this about her, or maybe I thought it would be too much burden for her to know that I'm feeling like this ...

I would not have told her how I feel, wasn't it for an accident. Searching for a photo of Cœur de Pirate to publish alongside a note I have written about her, I ended up realizing she is married. And never in my life, I could imagine she is married, I don't know why, but somehow I believed if one day we meet, there will always be the risk of us staying forever after together as lovers ... but no, she is married. And she has a beautiful daughter. And the wedding photos really killed me. I mean, few times in my life I proposed to this or that individual out of many reasons, and I was so dead-serious to also think about the wedding, a venue, the people on the invitation list and all the rest, but I was always totally overwhelmed and frustrated because a "wedding", the way I knew it, didn't fit with me. Cœur de Pirate's wedding photos: and I instantly know that I was trying to please the wrong woman if that woman wasn't satisfied with a wedding like that of Cœur de Pirate.

And there it happened. Suddenly the dispute between me and my parents those many years ago about why should we move to Germany and why should I learn German, because in my opinion, of course, and without any doubt, the very first language I would learn, if not English, is "French"; back then I was fresh 18, and I didn't know anything much about France, nor the present day French-speaking cultural scene, but I was so convinced that "French" is my first choice.

I had a set date and the only thing separating me from taking a flight to Serbia and visiting my sister, her husband and the rest of family was to ask my parents to buy me a ticket, but I couldn't. I couldn't talk to them. I was so angry at them ...

I managed to handle my anger and in part also because my sister was soon flying back to Iran and we would probably not have a chance to meet in at least many months to come, and so I finally went there, and thank God, I spoke to her about how much the life I wished to live and the one I'm having now are different; how much everything I was motivated to strive for since I was 15 is not very different today, and yet, I am some ten years older and haven't set a step in such directions ... and such life is truly "fucked."

Her first reaction was to suggest not to think about these things, but what would be left for me to live for if I prohibit myself to think about the things that I really wanted in life ...? Her next suggestion was to visit a therapist and so on ... and her last suggestion after hours of speaking late in the early morning was the Persian idiom that goes like this "whenever you catch a fish from the water, it's fresh." It might be true in its literarily meaning, but it is not true about whenever you try to go after your dreams you'll achieve them. I can't have a pre-schooler daughter tomorrow, in a week from tomorrow, or even a year from tomorrow, if I just try hard enough, and put enough effort and take the right path; It is going to take many years. And yet I wished to have a daughter more or less the same age as hers. I didn't know she has a daughter, but finally, it made sense to me why I was so obsessed with postpartum-depression ... Those aren't the worries of a twenty years old boy who has never made love to a woman, those are the worries of a first-time father; and I should have been there.

I don't know whether it is my parents' upbringing or my internal attitudes –especially the strong introversion aspect of mine– but somehow I ended up with the belief that standing out is a crime. And, to be honest, I was never motivated to "stand out" in that sense, yet, everything in my life would have had such side-results, even the very ordinary things. Never I was motivated to go around and sleep with as many women, and as beautiful women as I could, and then tell my other male friends about my adventures and be proud of ... When I was younger I never saw the necessity of ever there being more than one woman in your life other than the exception of she had died young ... and to be honest, I don't feel any different today either other than the fact that the person I imagined us might be lovers rendered such hope to an illusion by sleeping with another man when it was clear I have, or at least, believe myself to have such feelings for her, and probably the same is true about any other woman with some modifications, to how things went with me and A. S., as well; and I'm someone who isn't corrupted by adults' blind beliefs that lies would make the life better, being it "the tooth ferry", "Santa Claus" or the fact that the whole wedding ceremony is practically a joke when you have been not only kissing each other, but sleeping with each other, and most of the people there knew it, and those who could have raised an argument against that wedding weren't even informed; sentences like "now you may kiss the bride", or "if either of you know any impediment why ye may not lawfully be joined together in matrimony, ye do now confess it; for be ye well assured that so many as are coupled together otherwise than God’s Word doth allow, are not joined together by God, neither is their matrimony lawful." I wouldn't have labeled it so, but since hearing "Heart of a Child" I would say it so: perhaps, I rather have the heart of a child that I can't accept such dishonesties in my life. So, it was a never much of a question to my mind that the proper way of doing things is "marriage and then kiss" and so probably if I were to go after intimacy the same way every young adult does, I would have been married very young, and it would result in me "standing out". What I never realized, was that even if for most men, it makes best sense to marry when they are thirty, for me, it just doesn't. I never felt to belong anywhere, and so the bare minimum of having one another human being where I can feel there is a bond between us to which both of us sort of belong, wouldn't be a big surprise. Look, you don't struggle with suicide wishes day in and day out, but I do.

Private life is just more typical to talk about, professionally too, my life is similar. When I was 12, I wanted to invent and produce the next generation of computers. For many years to come, I hadn't heard the name of Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates, or even the computer in our house wasn't the latest gadget on the market, not even an above average one. A couple of years later, when my father finally decided to update our PC, he bought a secondhand one from a friend of his who is a computer engineer. But that was my wish/dream/vision/goal. Look, I didn't care about becoming rich, neither famous. All I cared about was that I was fascinated by mathematics, by molecular physics, by Einstein's theory about light and so on and so on and so on and the next generation of computers which I was designing and reinventing in my head would be a demonstration of manifesting all those knowledge in one product. I loved doing it.

Many years later, finally when it was impossible to hide from my parents that I was interested in developing a language learning platform on the web, my parents' highest hope for me was to get a job at Microsoft as some level of engineer. Can you see the discrepancy! At 12 I was working on inventing the next generation of computers from scratch, and my parents' hope for me at 22 was to be a low-level engineer at a company that didn't even produce computers back then. That's ridiculous.

People think I have high hopes or impossible dreams or I'm being under the influence of the success of people on TV-screens: man, I'm none. Wow, I couldn't tell anyone that I'm none. You know, even if today I was one of the ten richest men in the world, and I hadn't realized that computer production idea nor was working on it, I would be pissed with my life. Maybe wealth and fame are the highest dreams of most people, but they aren't mine. They never have been.

I always lacked the sense of self, and self-knowledge to be able to understand where my wishes come from and why are they there. So, each time I would receive bullshit explanations like these, I would become less eager to work on things that I really wanted. I hope God rescues me ...

Anyway, I thought a lot about feeling that my life is fucked and my sister's suggestion and I think her suggestion is wrong. What is true is that I have abandoned my dreams since I was 15, some of them since I was 12 and there is no way to reach them today, whether it being having a four years old daughter, or having invented the next generation of computers, these things take time, take a lot of time; and the fact that I'm old enough, and by now I should have settled for a career and have had a few ex-girlfriends doesn't make me anywhere closer to those things. Time heals no wound. The only thing it does: it delays you reaching your dreams and the more it passes by, the further away you will be from them. And the truth is becoming older there will be no more shortcuts available to you than there were before. Many years ago, to be precise, around the time I was 15, I was clear that I have to live a couple years in the US and study there and now I'm 25 and not a single time I have even applied for a university there; just for the sake of not standing out, for the sake of my parents being satisfied with me, for the sake of not going against their begging me to stay where I am; But I guess, just as with the wish of having a child, or being married or etc. and etc., there is no escape from it only because I'm older now ...

I believe there is only one thing true:

You can only continue things from where you left them last time ...

And this is as true as it is about learning something new, as it is about realizing your dreams and becoming who you are meant to be.

May the Lord help me overcome the seven or more years left totally neglected moving in such direction ...

References

  • McCurdy, Jennette. “Her post on Instagram.” Instagram, 14 Apr. 2017, www.instagram.com/p/BS174Esjm4l/.

  • Brontë, Charlotte. Jane Eyre; an Autobiography. Service & Paton, 1897.