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You're not the only one ... ask for help

1 year ago |

You're not the only one, ask others

It's easy to feel alone, especially if you grew up learning to hide your self or deny your reality than trying to shape your own life ...

For some it will only take few experiences of being misunderstood by people you wished to be understood by, to give up on the notion that there is a possibility that, out there, others may be feeling the same, having gone through similar experiences, or being able to understand you ...

I was never aware that I was living like this, the idea of being misunderstood happen so over and over again, so natural to me, and sometimes by people I hoped to live the rest of our lives together, at least that we might have a chance to consider such question about one another ...

I don't believe you can always find people who communicate in your style in the way that is understandable for you, it might be that someone perfectly understands you, or might be that they know the solution to what's keeping you up at night, but you can't understand each other.

For so many years I had similar feedback from other people, I would receive these surprise reactions regarding why I'm incapable of describing what I wish to do with my life ... such question was never discussed in our households, I guess my parents never knew how to deal with disagreements and since their dream for who their child is and the reality did not confirm one another, they rather stick with their avoidance policy, until everything turned into disaster, even then, they would not pick the tiniest step to look at the reality, to accept the reality as it were and I was always kind of lost in valuing my own interests, likes and dislikes. I wasn't allowed to have them, they weren't allowed to be mine.

Even now when I look back, I wonder how could my sister end up married ... okay, to be fair, I had to give in, I had a few harsh-truth conversations with my mother, so harsh that it turned out she actually ended up actively looking for a husband for her ... First time in my life I was spending time with women, and I really had no clue where things are going to lead, and how men and women think about each other, all the terminology like "dating", "flirting" and the like were a foreign language to me, in all the three or four languages I could speak at some level back then ... my parents never said a word, never made a comment, never ever even asked me, if I ever thought about having a girlfriend. I think about a year later, my mother told me, she was worried what I'm doing in my free time with those women ... that was such a laughable comment to me back then because I was treating everyone like everyone else in my life as I'd always done. We were friends and we were hanging out as friends do, and I didn't care about the gender of people.

My parents always told me I should be thankful for their parenting style and we should consider ourselves luckier than most other children, no, I don't wish any restrictions from my parents on me, but to be honest, now when I look back and I know they knew all these things that I had no clue about and they never talked with me about them, they stick with their avoidance policy, endlessly. So endlessly that it truly makes sense to say they don't know who I am at all and they never wish to:

The reason I'm telling these is that I wanted to say, all my life I felt like a stranger, and lots of these insights came by accident to me, or if you believe in the God and that all the nice things in one's life is directly or indirectly His arrangements and mercy, perhaps by His mercy for which I'm undeserving.

Prior to these, I always felt like a stranger in the world. Nothing, truly nothing in the world felt sensible to me, and because something like 98% of my days was consumed by activities which were never my wish for my life or how to spend my days, I could never look at my life with such degree of insight and understanding.

I don't know why out of the blue, I had the urge to watch something about Jordskott, I had seen the series back in Germany when it was premiered by Arte, and it happened that there is a new season out and the whole season tackled the parent child relationship form perspective of an adult who was not loved by her mother, the resemblances to my life is mind blowing and I really learned to accept parts of myself, I didn't have any clue how to live with them at all ...

and the movie Uptown Girls is of course not the kind of movies I would watch but even though I knew I was being criticized by others for being too adult-like in my early adolescent years, without Dakota Fanning's performance I wouldn't see myself and without Jonice Webb's books, I couldn't understand why I behaved those ways and why those behaviors seemed the only possible way to live my life ... Just as Dakota Fanning's character, Ray, needed a grown-up who understood her, who had an interest in her and who cared about her, and for whom it would be so important to show up the night when she had to perform her ballet ...

I actually grew up learning to dismiss the ceremonies where people were being awarded, we never won the best prize in the school but at the same time, I really felt no motivation about receiving an award. I don't know, but to the child me it didn't mean anything to receive an award from people who didn't know me, and I didn't know them and none of us really cared about each other. Sometimes my uncle or sometimes my mother would show up at such events but then the discussion was always about they filling the role of my father, and I learned to value only the parts of the projects that were about working, I was never eager to reach results, because I knew every other year another set of kids would be there and performing same interactions, what's the point? My results were not extraordinary, so why should I bother myself with them. Sometimes the most annoying part was to bring myself back home. Others were often excited about going back home, to me it was always a big challenge how to get from point A to point B in Tehran, because I never learned that town and had grown up with the streets of New Delhi and if I could get myself home correctly, then the problem was that I really didn't felt at home there. Nowadays my parents would often tell they miss me, but I never felt being missed by anyone ... to me that's a lie when people who don't know you tell you that they miss you ... especially if the case would be that if they knew you, they would despise you

Now, writing these lines I think about women I wished they missed me and how long it took me to be over someone, if ever really I was over someone ... sometimes I wondered with myself, how could it be that I feel no bothering that someone I wished to miss spends time with another man and is happy with everything in her life without me ... but I guess your emotional sensors turn immune to all these when you've grown up in a household when you felt like a stranger and denied everything about yourself and at the same time you told yourself those people love you.

Talking about these make me feel exhausted, especially that I have no idea how to break out of these patterns ...

I hope, I'll find an answer to these, but for you, the reader, I hope you see, even if early in the childhood you made the conclusion that the safest way to live your life is to hide yourself, deny your true identity and qualities and ignore all things that matter to you, and by now you truly feel more comfortable with the idea of being an alien, or believe there is this distant not-heard-of tribe that if you migrated and lived among those people you would feel like home ... I don't want to suggest revealing your secrets to everyone, nor do I believe you should stick with the place and people you were born with if that doesn't feel right, but I hope you see pass through all these feelings of loneliness and go against your gut feeling that there is no-one out there who share some similarities to you ... don't be afraid to ask for advice, don't close the doors of the world to yourself because you believe your situation is too unique and nobody had ever gone through anything similar to this, even if that be true, you would be surprised that sometimes people can give you ideas, you would have never come up with on your own ...

and life is not a marketplace, where every interaction is an exchange, a give or take, all you need is not advice and help, find the individuals that competing with them motivates you to try harder, find individuals that your friendship helps you go through hard times instead of feeling like the world ended after every tiny little mistake ...

PS. This post was written upon the experience of discovering Jonice Webb and the concept she has developed "Childhood Emotional Neglect" by looking up in the internet for a term I had started to use in my intimate conversations with myself but I never imagined anyone else would have any idea about it or resonate with it … you can find a list of traits common for CEN by Jonice Webb here and my personal take on a specific instance “Adulthood without a sense of self"